"A," "B," "C," etc. Guest Lists
Dear Miss SOS:
Our reception room has a head count limit of 100 and while my fiancé’s mother is aware of the maximum number of people who can attend (theoretically his family gets 50 and mine gets 50), she has given me a guest list with 99 people on it! It’s divided into an A list, a B list (whose invitations, by her request, must all be received at the same time), and a C list.
While she is certain a number of people from each of her lists will not attend because the wedding is on the other side of the continent, she expects them all to receive invitations at some point and for me to send out additional invitations, even if replies from those supposedly not attending haven’t been received.
Perhaps contrary to etiquette we are including rsvp cards in the invitations and she has also requested that we send out different “rsvp by” dates for each list. Not only is this prohibitively expensive for my parents (who are hosting the wedding), but I don’t feel comfortable sending out invitations to more people than the room can accommodate simply because she is “sure” they won’t attend. I also fear that if so many people won’t be attending, we will run out of invitations before her family’s spots are filled and I will be pressured to get more.
I just want to be responsible without offending anyone. Can you please advise?
Miss SOS commends you in understanding that one does not issue more invitations than one can accommodate. Your future mother-in-law may make decisions as to whom to invite on the Groom’s side but she cannot invent the answer for them as well. Miss SOS shudders to think of a greater offense than inviting a guest and then having that invitation withdrawn due to a “mis-guess” or a guest’s delay in responding.
Discuss the invitation list with your fiancé’s mother one more time. Advise her that all invitations to guests on the “A” list will be mailed eight weeks prior to your wedding. Invitations to guests on the “B” list will be sent no later than four weeks prior to, and then only upon availability of seating/space accommodations. The same “rsvp by” date remains.
Any guest that is on a “C” list, or “D – Z” for that matter, should receive a wedding announcement.
Enclosure Cards
Dear Miss SOS:
We wish to pay for our guest’s parking valet where our daughter’s wedding reception will be held. We cannot buy the parking tickets in advance. How can we indicate to our guests that they are to inform the parking attendant that they are attending the wedding reception? Is there an enclosure card we could design and if so, what should it say?
An enclosure card would be an entirely proper way to state, “Special parking facilities will be available. Please show this card at the entrance.”
French Words in Invitations
Dear Miss SOS:
RSVP. What do each of these letters mean? Thanks.
RSVP are the initials for the French words “Respondez s’il vous plait” which means, “Reply, if you please”.
Dear Miss SOS:
A very long time ago I received a wedding invitation that had two or three words in French at the bottom of the invitation. I had to look them up – cannot remember them now – but they meant “no gifts please”. Or, something very close to that. Do you know what they are? Thank you.
No matter how altruistic your motives may be, it is improper to refer to gifts on an invitation, whether it is stating that you want gifts or don’t want gifts. It doesn’t make any difference what language it’s worded in, whether English or French or Pig Latin, it is still incorrect. Instead, verbally circulate word that you are serious about not receiving presents. If pressured into naming at least “one thing” that you desire, Miss SOS recommends that you gently suggest that any money that would be spent on a gift be redirected by contributing it to a charitable organization.
That being said, the French words you are seeking are "pas de cadeaux."
Including Children
Dear Miss SOS:
Why is it that some people don’t want children at their wedding?
Because they have yet to learn that they will have more problems with the adult guests at their wedding than with children.
Dear Miss SOS:
I don't want any children at my wedding. How do I write an invitation saying that I do not want children at the wedding or do I have to do it verbally? Write soon. Thank you.
Etiquette has not, nor ever will, evolve into issuing reverse or negative invitations. Miss SOS is dismayed when she sees invitations stating "no children allowed" or"adults only". She can only wonder if people would feel equally comfortable issuing or receiving wedding invitations that say "no handicapped allowed" or "Caucasians only". Hopefully, Miss SOS has made her point.
Address the invitations to the individuals invited. If they respond that they are bringing additional guests, i.e. their children, Miss SOS suggests rather than saying that you don't want children at this joyous family event, that you phrase your comments along the lines of "We're not having children at our wedding. I'm sure your little one would behave adorably but not every child is as wonderful as yours."
Though Miss SOS will refrain on commenting on your belief that children should be excluded at the union of two families, it has been her experience that it is the older guests that are more likely to behave inappropriately.
Including Ex's
Dear Miss SOS:
May I invite my ex-spouse or ex-in-laws to my wedding?
Generally speaking, it is not a good idea to invite ex-spouses or ex-in-laws to your wedding ceremony and reception. However, Miss SOS recognizes that there are situations where the ex’s have remained good friends and supportive of each other over the years. If this is the situation, you may consider inviting them – providing your fiancée agrees and does not feel uncomfortable having them present.
Appropriate use of postage stamps
Dear Miss SOS:
This is a small question but my mother and I have been arguing a minor battle on this one. I want the postage stamps on my wedding invitations to reflect my theme and have found one that I like, although it’s a bit cute and comical. My mother says that I have to use one that has a heart, dove, or the word love printed on the stamp because etiquette requires it. Personally, I don’t like the look and want to purchase the other ones I do like. My mother and I have agreed to defer to you. Is my mother right? Do I have to buy the postage stamps with hearts or doves on them? Even though I don’t want to?
(Sigh…) Miss SOS wishes people would stop using the implied threat of “etiquette requires that you are to …” when the subject involves personal choices.
Etiquette does not involve itself as to what the image on the postage stamp looks like. It is totally irrelevant. You may even use a postage meter if you prefer. Etiquette only requires that the postage be sufficient so that the invitation does not arrive “postage due”.
Since this issue seems to be creating some dissension in your family, Miss SOS suggests a compromise. Have the wedding invitation sent out with the postage stamp your mom likes and have the RSVP envelope stamped with the one you like, or vice-versa. This should satisfy both of your preferences.
RSVPs
Dear Miss SOS:
For reasons I won’t go into, I’ve been invited to a wedding where people I don’t wish to see will be present. The Bride knew my feelings on this matter prior to sending out the invitations and yet still included these people on her list. I thought to call the Bride and tell her my opinion of her actions. I still plan on attending but don’t know the proper way to act in front of these people when our paths cross. What advice can you give me?
No guest may dictate to a host or hostess who they may or may not invite to an event. The only call Miss SOS will permit you to make to the Bride telling her of your “opinion of her actions” is the one thanking her graciously for her invitation to this joyous occasion and that you look forward to attending.
The proper way to act is to smile charmingly, even to those you don’t wish to mingle with, as you enjoy the festivities with the other guests present.
Dear Miss SOS:
Help! I have a limited budget for my wedding. Shoestring would be more the word. People invited to the wedding are responding that they’re bringing their children, their out-of-town guests, or others who weren’t on the guest list. How do I tell them that they can’t bring them? Should I explain how tight my budget is and how I can’t afford it? I don’t want to hurt their feelings and really feel in a bind, both financially and emotionally.
Miss SOS is always dismayed when guests take it upon themselves that they are the host of an event, inviting or including additional people to an affair.
The best approach is to contact the individuals personally who have taken on such a role, phrasing your comments along the lines of, “Due to limitations we are unable to accommodate everybody that we would love to be there, including your children/out-of-town guests. However, we do look forward to seeing you and your adorable munchkins (or meeting your houseguests) when we return from our honeymoon.”
Notice that you did not identify what those limitations might be. It is not considered a guest’s concern nor should they be burdened with such information.
Dear Miss SOS:
My miniature poodle goes with me everywhere as my beloved companion. Everyone I know knows this. I just received an invitation to a wedding. Is it OK if I bring my darling “Mitzie”?
Only invited guests may accept or decline an invitation. Unless Mitzie’s name was included on the wedding invitation, Miss SOS refuses to even consider having you RSVP for two.
Dear Miss SOS:
I wrote you a while back asking for your advice. I had received a wedding invitation addressed to my husband and myself and my husband couldn’t go. I could attend and wanted to know if I could invite a friend to take the place of my husband. The friend I wanted to invite knew the bride – so it’s not like it was a stranger – and the bride was expecting two people anyway. You told me that I couldn’t invite someone else to take my husband’s place and to attend the wedding solo.
Well, I’ve talked to a number of my friends and they all disagree with you – for the reasons I’ve mentioned. They said if it was them, they would bring a friend along anyway. With so many agreeing with me, why does etiquette take the position it would it be wrong? Or do you wish to change your answer?
For a brief moment Miss SOS thought she heard the faint echo of a small child imploring “everybody else does it, why can’t I?” Perhaps she was mistaken.
Regardless of the behavior of your friends (to which Miss SOS will refrain commenting upon at this time), an invitation to a wedding is not to be compared to a set of theater tickets. In other words, it is not transferable.
Miss SOS shudders as she visualizes the scenario that would evolve based on your line of reasoning. Neither you nor your husband could attend a wedding but you would pass the invitation on to someone else. After all, the Bride was expecting two people anyway and why should she care if those two people are family or friends or complete strangers? Maybe you could auction the invitation off to the highest bidder or reward a colleague for a job well done. If the Bride even slightly knows the person on a passing basis, so much the better, is that right?
Simply stated, you are not in control of the guest list nor is it your party. The wedding invitation you received was addressed to you and your husband, not to you and a guest of your choosing. Your response is Mrs. Jane Darling accepts with pleasure while Mr. James Darling regretfully declines.
Have a question? Write Miss SOS at Prescott Weddings.com
