Dear Miss SOS:

I’m in a real pickle and am hoping you can help me. For years I used to give gifts to my niece, whether it was for her birthday or at Christmastime. However, no matter how many times I asked, I never received an acknowledgement that the gift had been received, much less thanked for it. Finally, in total frustration (and, I must be honest, in hopes of making my point), I stopped giving her gifts – though I still love her and enjoy her company.

Now my niece is getting married. I’m happy for her and would like to give her a gift – but I don’t want it to be ignored as my other presents in the past have been. Is there any thing I can give her that necessitates her writing me a note back in return?

What an interesting dilemma you have presented to Miss SOS, accompanied by a lament she has heard all too often in this day and age. The importance of a thank you note can not be overstated – whether it is in business or social circles. Parents shirk their duty in not teaching this important lesson in a young woman or young gentleman’s life.

However, instilling proper behavior in an individual during their childhood years is an entirely different matter than tackling the poor manners of a full-fledged adult.

Should you wish to give your niece a wedding gift with the hope of receiving a thank you note in return, Miss SOS suggests that you send her a check – but leave it unsigned. Though Miss SOS can’t guarantee it, she wouldn’t be surprised if the check was returned to you with a gracious note, reminding you that you “forgot” to sign it.

Dear Miss SOS:

I’m sure you’ve been asked this before, but what is the rule on thank you notes? If I’ve already thanked the giver in person, must I write a handwritten note as well? How about an email thank you? Is that OK?

Miss SOS continually must answer when a handwritten thank you note is required so let her take the mystery out of it once and for all. Here are the rules. To state it simply, like is reciprocated with like.

If you have received verbally, “Hey, heard you recently got married. Please accept my congratulations for a long and happy life together”, then you have Miss SOS permission to verbally reply, “Thank you for your best wishes.” No written note is required.

If you have received an email correspondence of the same nature, or even an email wedding card, then you may respond by email thanking them for their good wishes.

However, if you have received anything else that would be considered tangible, whether it be a gift certificate or money, household goods or linens, lingerie or honeymoon apparel, kitchen appliances or pots and pans, silver or china or crystal … in other words, everything you can think of … then a handwritten note must be written by either you or your Groom expressing your delight and pleasure in receiving the gift and the thoughtfulness that accompanied it. And yes, this rule applies even when you have verbally thanked the giver personally.

Dear Miss SOS:

Who writes the thank-you notes, the bride or the groom?

Since most gifts are sent to the Bride, it is usually she who writes and signs the thank-you note, however, there is absolutely no reason for the Groom not to share in this task. There are many relatives and friends of the Groom who would be delighted to receive a thank-you note from him.

Dear Miss SOS:

I attended a bridal shower that when I got there I was handed an envelope to write my name and address on. I was told that this way the Bride would know to whom and to where to send her thank you note to. Is this now proper etiquette?

To her dismay, Miss SOS has heard of this occurring in today’s bridal showers and absolutely forbids guests to participate in this practice.

Guests to a bridal shower consist of family and friends, so the Bride should already know everyone’s names. The fact that a guest has received an invitation is evidence enough that the Bride has the correct address. All thank you notes and their envelopes are to be handwritten by the Bride, a very small effort indeed in thanking someone for their time and effort in finding her a shower gift that they thought she would enjoy and appreciate.

Having guests write their own address on an envelope reminds Miss SOS of writing out her own dental reminder appointment card. Should you ever encounter this again, you have Miss SOS permission to decline, gently responding, “No, thank you. The Bride already has that information.”

Dear Miss SOS:

I am mad and I’m hoping you can set some people straight. I got married almost 6 months ago and have been busy with work and my new home. I’ve not had a chance to get to my thank you notes yet but I plan to. Someone actually had the gall to ask me if I had received their gift as they hadn’t received a thank you from me. Could you please let people know that a bride has up to a year to write a thank you note because she’s got so many other things to do?

Sorry my dear but Miss SOS cannot accommodate you on this one. Your confusion stems from the fact that people have up to a year after your wedding day to give a wedding gift, if they wish to give one at all. With misguided reasoning, brides then felt that they had twelve months to acknowledge the present. Au contraire. Thank you notes should be sent out immediately and in no case later than three months after receiving the gift. It makes no difference how busy you are. You’ve been married six months so sit down and start writing your belated thank you notes now.

Dear Miss SOS:

I have recently married and I am getting ready to write out my thank you cards with a wallet size picture of my husband and I. On the outside of the thank you cards there are two different type of readings: 1. Thank you for your good wishes and thoughtfulness; and 2. Many thanks to you for your good wishes and thoughtfulness. I am having a very difficult time figuring out what to write on the inside of the thank you cards. Can you give me some suggestions?

The one I keep thinking of doesn’t sound right to me for some reason, “Thank you for sharing in our special day.” For some reason I think it sounds corny. I want it to be nice and short since I have a lot to write out and I don’t want this little problem holding up the mailing of my thank you cards. Thank you for your help.

Miss SOS commends you in your desire to promptly acknowledge the gifts you have received in celebration of your marriage. The photograph that you wish to include is a beautiful touch but has no direct correlation to the thank you itself. In addition, a pre-printed commercial note is not considered sufficient.

Your note, which is to be handwritten, should thank the giver for the gift that they have given you. Should you have received money as a gift, it is appropriate to purchase an item and thank the giver for that item, as if they had bought it themselves. In writing your thank you, a degree of enthusiasm must be expressed, regardless whether or not it is felt. An example would be “Dear Aunt Betty, We were simply delighted to receive your gift of a stuffed owl alarm clock. What a unique and one-of-a-kind present. We will cherish it and the love we have for you over the years. Thank you for everything. Always, Darla and Jim”

Dear Miss SOS:

Although I’m not to be married for another two months, I’m already starting to receive wedding gifts. I want to write my thank you’s right away. Do I sign the notes with my maiden name or soon-to-be married name?

Miss SOS commends you in wanting to write your thank you notes as soon as possible. As you are not yet married, you are to sign with your maiden name.

Dear Miss SOS:

A group of people we know went in on our wedding gift. How and to who do I write my thank you note?

When you have received a single gift resulting from a collaborative endeavor from friends, relatives, or business colleagues, you should write a separate thank you note to each individual involved. Should the gift be received from an organization, company, or church you belong to, then the thank you note addressed to the group is considered sufficient.

Dear Miss SOS:

I have received the same wedding gift from a few different people and will be exchanging the extras for something else. How do I write my thank you note for the gifts I exchanged?

Write each note to the individual givers thanking them for their gift. It is not required that you share with them that it has been exchanged. Instead, let the one gift that was kept represent all.

Have a question? Write Miss SOS at Prescott Weddings.com